A few weekends ago I went to a wellness show. It was a day of being pampered. I didn’t have to drive or park...someone drove us, dropped us off AND picked us up. How great is that? We walked into the hall, along with 300 other women and men and I was immediately at peace. It’s been awhile since I’ve done something for me...just for me. There were healers everywhere: Reiki Practitioners, Massage Therapists, Hypnotists, Reflexology Practitioners, Spiritual Leaders, Migraine Specialists, Food Analysts, Blood Analysts, Gemologists...just to name a few. I found myself in my element and wished I could secretly stay there all day ~ to observe, and to breathe in the beautiful energy in the room. I looked at clothing and scarves and jewellery. I didn’t spend any money, but my eyes, my heart and my soul were filled to the brim.
There were free appointments all day long so I had my feet and body treated with Sound Reflexology ~ drums overtop my body. She was a most lovely healer and for ten minutes I disappeared underneath the sound waves in the room. It was God that brought me back. I then had my back treated with an Integrated Energy Therapist. She identified some pressure points in my back and shoulders and we spoke for a few moments following the treatment. Then, this very kind elderly man (who reminded me of my Great Uncle Bernard) held my hand and my shoulder and began to do some minor manipulations of the muscle and fascia in my hand. He said I see you’ve had some pain in the past. Stress, perhaps? Then he went on to say that he usually treats his clients once a year because his healing reflexology treatments last about ten to twelve months ~ but for clients with MS, they get treated every month. Did he just say “MS”? I hadn’t told him...not a word. I stood there dumbfounded. I said, “I have MS.” He said, “I know”, and he squeezed my hand a little tighter. I walked away from him, this man who touched my soul, and I felt as if it were a moment with God. Each healer I saw that afternoon had a message for me...symbols and messages, peace, healing and hope.
One message that came to me over and over that day and still sits with me today, is that I have a gift to offer others too. But here’s the thing....I doubt my gifts more than I believe them. I dismiss my gifts more than I accept them. ~ Why do I do that?
I haven’t written a blog in over 4 months. I think it is because I felt I had nothing to say, or nothing that anyone would want to read. And yet, after that weekend at the wellness expo, I was reminded by Spirit that I do bring value to many people...and that somehow I became disconnected from it.
People often tell me I have a way with words. I am told they like to sit with me so I can offer my insight. I am told that I handle things very well, and they say that I seem to find a lovely way to resolve an issue. Some new friends say I have a wonderful way of looking at things, and that I have a loving respect for someone’s story and of finding our way through the story to the other side. I am told I am a wonderful mama to my girls and so loving and supportive to them. Some tell me I need to publish my writing or my songs or my prayers, and some say I should go into Ministry. I look to the heavens and wonder how and why. I don’t know how to receive these words. Please God, I just don’t know how and I feel alone. Please stay with me, through the night and into the dawn.
So I go online sometimes and look at courses or retreats or seminars that can help me find my way...find my call. I look at spiritual retreats, healthy living getaways, silent retreats, meditation classes, lay ministry courses... I also Google new “appliances”, as our stove and dishwasher are slowly reaching the end of their lives. Soul needs and practical needs...both costing money that I do not have. The answer is there...the pathway is there...the solution is there...I just haven’t found it yet.
And so, if nothing else, I will keep writing, even when I doubt myself.
I will dance, even if my toes are numb and I am alone in my studio.
I will get my hands into the earth and breathe so deeply.
I will sing, and connect to God’s enveloping Spirit.
I will write more songs, and reach deep inside.
I will be me, because that is all I know how to be.
Will you stay with me as I walk this pathway of life?
...thank you S and J for the gentle nudge to post this blog that has been sitting in my drafts folder for two or more weeks.
©kekrul, April 9, 2013