I am good....
I am good.
I am loved.
I am a vessel for healing.
I accept into my life, people who serve my highest good.
Over the years I have repeated different mantras to myself. The one above, is one I am currently saying to myself ~ when I am falling asleep, or when I am awakening, or when I remember.
Over the past five or six years I have read countless books about healing and being well….body, mind and soul. And as much as I read, I still long to know more. I long so deeply for knowledge, that I sometimes wish I was Harold Fry, who could just walk to the mailbox and keep on walking. I read about Deepak Chopra’s healing centre in California and know that an extraordinary amount of healing would take place, if I could just get myself there. Or to a Nia retreat with my dear friend. I also know I can heal wherever I find myself.
One of the things that I read, that has stayed with me, is this: Don’t take anything personally from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements.
Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up….
But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.
So….as much as I know this to be true, someone said some pretty terrible things to me, in a public setting and my soul was crushed beyond recognition. You see, for most of my life, I took everything personally. And it takes heaps and heaps of courage and trust, to undo this knowing. And along with the soul crushing, my spirit was flattened and my body hung onto those words like velcro. My joints latched on too, and for the past six months, I have been in debilitating pain. My feet ache when I walk, and if I can manage to dance (which, if you know me, you know how I desperately love to move freely with Spirit) my feet throb. My hands cannot hold a pen or carry anything heavier than a loaf of bread. Underneath my smile and optimism, I am hurting.
I know if I can hang onto the evil, then I can let go of it too….and this is incredibly hard work. I am digging so very deep to find the strength to not give up. Reiki, acupuncture, osteo, RMT, reflexology, prayer…. You see I have dropped deep into despair before, when my dad passed away two days after I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I know the deep pain of a broken heart. I know the waves that come with healing. I know that people swarm around to care, and I have also watched most of them walk away. I know the thoughts that are highlighted when in a deep depression. I know the wanting to drift off the side of a road or sink under the water in the bath. I know the pain of sitting by a river, whose water level rises with each one of my teardrops.
But I also know the look in someone’s eye, when they reach out their hand, and say please call me when you are safe at home. I know that look when someone says, bless you Katharine, for releasing all that you carry. I have been in the presence of greatness and the messages of hope that are sent my way. I know the deep ache, along with also knowing the release and joy. Connecting the two, and finding that thread is sometimes very overwhelming.
Beautiful Rumi has many quotes that have touched me over the years….today these are some that speak to me:
“The wound is the place where light enters.” and “Don't get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.”
My prayer for these ‘end of summer’ days is to have the pain that resides in my feet and hands, leave me….for it isn’t mine to carry. I give it over to God. The pain isn’t mine….it was someone else’s and I wrongly took hold of it. And if MS and pain, and a most recent lupus diagnosis weren’t enough, I underwent a lumpectomy at the beginning of August. Biopsy results came in yesterday and the tumour was 2.3cm by 1.1cm by .6cm and was found to be benign. Hallelujah!! It is gone, and so is the energy associated with it.
God, I ask you to take what isn’t mine to carry…. I ask you to show me a path to healing, with therapies or healing strategies that are for my highest good...I ask them to be affordable and within my means. I ask for continued patience from my family and friends who help me with day to day activities. I pray for sturdy hand rails to help me on the stairs, for keys that turn easily, for jars that open, and door handles not too tight. I pray for shoes that cushion my step; and for chairs and benches easily found. I pray for judgment to be replaced with peace. I pray for sadness to be replaced with joy. I pray for pain to be replaced with release. I pray for music to take me deeper into song and dance.
“Oh my heart, Don’t become discouraged so easily.
In the hidden world, there are many mysteries, many wonders.
Even if the whole planet threatens your life, don’t let go of the Beloved’s robe for even a breath.”
©kekrul, August 21, 2015